In eighth grade I fell into a massive depression and threatened suicide. i never went into therapy, but i should have. i could have worked out a lot of stuff i'm now stuck dealing with. i faced it BY MYSELF and won.
two years ago, i fell again. Thankfully, a wonderful boy came into my life and i am very grateful for him.
Now, i'm falling again. I'm turning 20 in two months and while this is not an age that many people freak out over, i am. I'm going to go be 20. 20. No longer a teenager.
this is FREAKING me out. to every possible extreme.
my parents....suck.
my sisters.....suck.
my friends....they're 16, they can't understand this yet. they just dont know the pressures of college and the realization of becoming an adult and how much responsibility it is. I have to grow up, and as i see myself realizing how immature they are 78% of the time, the more i realize how much i fucked up by not making college friends. but to tell you the truth, i kinda hate them too.
The friends i do actually like, they're not here. they're in TX or England or NY state or Michigan. I really wish i could get on a plane right now and go to England and never ever come back.
I dont know why i went for Macon. I really don't. It was a huge mistake. and i knew it was when i was with him, but i stayed. i couldn't get over him. and now that i know what its like to taste his kiss and feel his touch......i'm so afraid i'm not going to be able to recover from this. I'm so afraid that he's IT for me.
i really dont want to be with anyone else but him. and i know he's reading this and i dont give a fuck. cause i miss MY Macon. Not the Macon that was a jerk, but the one that was sweet and charming and funny and smart and mine. All i want right now is to be in his arms. I have a feeling though that my Macon doesn't exist. It was just a character that I wanted him to be because I was so damn lonely.
Which is why i need to get the hell out of here. I need to get away from him and from my friends who don't get it and my parents and America and hell, life in general.
I really want to mention this feeling i'm having right now. If you've dealt with suicide, you know. I dont want to be here. I dont want to die, i just don't really want to be alive anymore.
But i have a paper to revise and 100 pages to read. and i'd really just like to go to bed. So I'll revise my paper and go to bed.
Unfortunately, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and go live. Why can't I just stay in bed for the next 162 days?
You forgot why today was awesome but i think i can write yours.
ReplyDeleteToday is awesome because you finally realized that your Macon was not all you hyped him up to be. He's an asshole, he's a jerk, and overall you deserve better than him. Your Macon was simply someone who you were able to project your girlish fantasies of a "prince charming" onto. But this Macon guy, all he really was, was another guy. He couldn't play the guitar that well, but to you he was a musician. He was failing chemistry and getting C's in English and Math, but to you he was smart. Today is awesome because you have reached step one: the realization that your dream guy was not everything you thought he was. Step two, however, is to take this information and do something with it.
Also, do not commit suicide. Everyone gets depressed and you're not the first person that;s been heartbroken or the first person who's worried about reaching adulthood. Take a deep breath and sort everything out until you reach the magical place where colour has a "U" in it and no one has any problems because Harry Potter just casts his "perfect life" spell upon everyone.
I have math and english homework, by the way. So i'm going to end this.
and i'm really supposed to believe my macon doesn't exist?
ReplyDeletehe's in there somewhere.
i never saw this response.
ReplyDeletebtw no hes not lawl